In honor of Mother's Day

I would like to say my negativity was inherited, not accumulated over the years. Although my negativity gives me an edge and bluntness to myself. I wonder where it came from. I realize now my mother who is now gone, was an amazing woman who always managed to be positive and forever smiling. I wonder now days, how she managed to keep a smile on her face with me as her child. I was a good child, at least i think I was a good. Or let's just say I was better as a child then a teenager and adult-ish. I know I made it rough for my parents, being arrested, horrible grades, and my shitty ass attitude. Yet my mother was always smiling,no matter the bullshit I managed to throw at her. Teen girls are the worst. And I am near the top of the list. Yelling, talking back, and down right rude to my mom. I must say a being a mother is the toughest job one must endure, but that's why women are given that job. Because obviously, a man couldn't handle the workload.

My brain is wired to evil I believe. Yet somehow through filtering of I guess my heart, it doesn't come out purely evil. Yet I am completely aware of my horrible thoughts. These thoughts race through my brain as i lay in bed trying to sleep. Did I mention I have insomnia? I  am currently writing this post at exactly 1:51 am. And my previous post and many of my future posts will be about crazy nonsense that swirls around my brain keeping me wide awake. Although I find writing this all down very therapeutic. Heh that's me being positive! Maybe that's another reason I'm so negative? I'm sleep deprived. Not an excuse tho. 

Anyways, yes I am crazy negative. I have come to embrace it. Many enjoy it, and have found it very useful. But being a stepmom I do want to live up to my mother. I know I could never be as amazing as her (me being negative) but I would like to be somewhat amazing in my own way. What really worries me is that my negativity will rub off of me and on to them. Last thing I want. I don't want to completely give up my negatively just maybe hide it better, or revert all of that energy here for my audience's enjoyment. (As of right now I have an audience of zero). 

The first step to change is admitting the problem. And in honor of Mother's Day, in hopes this makes my mom smirk, and hopefulyl proud. That I want to change my negativity to be a better stepmom and maybe one day a mom.